Tonight I was a little sad as I watched my watched my almost 2 year old sit on my husband's lap while flicking the emergency lights off and on in the ambulance. In less than 2 weeks, Josh will make the transition from medic to emergency room nurse. I have been so excited for Josh to get out of EMS for so long, that I am shocked at the sadness. I guess partly because I hate change, even good change. It is always painful to some degree. The main reason I am sad, is because I just realized that medic Josh is all I have ever known and he is who I fell in love with. Him being a medic was part of the reason I fell in love with him.
Shortly after finding out we were expecting Sawyer, the wheels in our heads began to turn. We began to realize that EMS life isn't so family friendly. So we decided to take the necessary steps for Josh to get his degree to become an RN. Pre-baby I would come up and see Josh after work and stay all evening and then go home and sleep. We were very blessed in that aspect. Since he worked 48 hour shifts (back then he even worked 72 hour shifts), unless I went up to see him, we wouldn't see each other for days. So I went up of course. Well once Sawyer arrived the visits became shorter and shorter. Now that he is a toddler, he doesn't handle all the rules we give him at the station and he ends up getting mad because we are constantly having to tell him no and steer him clear of Josh's partners. Also, it is a major pain when I get Sawyer and myself ready, pack a diaper bag and load a toddler in the car, drive 15 minutes to town just to get a phone call that Josh has a call and we will have to turn around and go home. Toddlers don't understand why they didn't get to see Daddy and the "iretrucks". So I am sure you could see why I have been looking forward to leaving all that behind.
BUT on the other hand, I sat tonight and watched Josh play with Sawyer in the ambulance and I remembered being in awe of the lights and sirens at one point too. I remembered the first time I seen Josh wear his uniform. He looked so handsome....and still does. I remember thinking that paramedics were heroes and I was lucky enough to be loved by one. I remember beaming with pride the first time I heard Josh's voice on the radio. He was giving a patient report to a flight medic while awaiting a helicopter, he stayed so calm and collected while spitting out vitals and patient information like it was no big deal while I could hear his patient screaming in pain in the background. I was in awe of his profession, I was in love with who he was.
Somehow over time, the luster of EMS wore off and was replaced by resentment. I began to hate the job that took my husband's time and energy away from him. He would work long shifts with little to no sleep and come home just to play catch up all day on appointments and chores. The end of his day off would come too soon and he would be back at it the next day. Some weeks he would work 3 24 hour shifts and some weeks he would work 4. It began to wear on all of us.
However, somehow tonight, the prestige of his job came back to me. I noticed how good he looked in his uniform, the ambulance became fascinating again, and I had respect for what he did. After being together for 5 years, I see just how amazing his job really is again. He is first on scene, the first to pull someone out of a vehicle, the first to ease the unbearable pain, the first to tell you everything will be alright, the first to grab your hand and pray over you, the first person to save your life, the first to break the news that your loved one didn't make it. When I was 8 years old my Daddy was transferred from Berryville ER to Washington Regional via ambulance. He died in the back of the ambulance that morning en route to the hospital. I never have found out which medic was there with him in the back of that lonely ambulance ride. I often wonder who seen my Dad take his last breath, but I pray it was someone like Josh. Someone who prayed with him and for him as they watched over his body as he fought for life. Someone who prayed for his family when they called the time. Josh does that, prays for patients. God has worked through Josh's bare hands to bring life back into lifeless bodies. He is everyone's hero, not just mine. He doesn't have a team of doctors and nurses in the back of his ambulance to aid him in CPR, at times he has just his EMT and first responders and sometimes it is just him. So even though nursing is a very prestigious job itself, I realize now that I will miss seeing him do what he does. I was in Walmart once when out of nowhere here comes my husband busting in the door with a stretcher and his life saving equipment rushing to a lady's side. I just stood and stared as my husband kneeled over his patient and a crowd gathered around and watched him. I couldn't talk to him, hug him, kiss him nothing because he was too busy saving someone right in front of me. That is so very humbling, in a good way. There was also the time when a high school football player was down at a football game and the entire stadium of hundreds of people were watching as my husband rushed onto the field to help him. Can you imagine the pressure of working with hundreds of eyes on you? He never messed up, always performed his job to the best of his ability. So, here I am in awe of all my husband has accomplished and the hero he has been to so many souls. I am going to miss seeing him do what he does best at but I know he will go on to save more lives and still be a hero, just in a different style.
I love you dear. I am so proud of all your accomplishments and I know God has so much in store for you as a nurse. I will always be proud no matter what uniform you wear. You are Sawyer and I's hero in so many ways. You are a blessing to so many, you will never know.
Oh, And poor Sawyer will miss getting to see the ambulance. We will have to take him up there from time to time just so he can see them.
