Becoming Who My Father Designed Me To Be

I literally just got done having a "Come to Jesus moment" with myself. I bet you are wondering how that went down...well it wasn't pretty.

For the past 9 or more months we have been attending a couples class at church. I love it and I always look forward to the next one. I really soak in all we learn and go home on Sunday night feeling empowered and renewed in the spiritual aspect of our marriage and my role as a Godly wife. Then it hits us, something stupid happens....so stupid I often forget why we even started bickering and then I get my feelings hurt. By the way, not very many people can hurt my feeling....but the more I love ya, the better shot you have at it.  This is where the big problem comes in, when I get my feelings hurt and I feel unloved or underappreciated I turn into the ugly version of myself. Instead of handling it with grace and meekness I tear Josh down with even more hurtful words or actions. My thought is, you hurt me and I hurt you worse. Unfortunately my husband is good at playing this game so an argument of something extremely petty turns into a pretty nasty competition of who can hurt each other the most. It doesn't sound that bad except for over time this game has calloused our hearts to some degree. We just don't care anymore and the words we have said have damaged our marriage. We look back and wonder where that sweet, loving couple went to. Pretty depressing. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband so so very much and I don't know how I would function without him but we have got to get back on track ASAP because I don't want to let this evil game go on anymore. 

For months every time we would attend a couples class session I would leave thinking he would have gotten something out of it and he would put our newly found skills into action....and he did and I did temporarily until things got hard again. I was talking to my sweet friend and sister in Christ about my dilemma and she recommended I read this book entitled, "Created To Be His Helpmeet." By Debi Pearl and I must say this book has convicted me strongly. It breaks me down into tears every time I crack it open because I feel God's word seeping into my soul and laying a burden on me to straighten up and accept my Godly role as Josh's wife. This book explains that my role as a wife (every woman's role) is to submit and be a meek spirit amond a ton of other things. This is not me at all!!! I am not quiet or meek or submissive ahhhhh!!! I am going to have to re arrange everything I have ever thought or felt to fit this role and that thought hurts. I want to be me, but I am going to have to figure out how to be me but in a more refined way...it seems tricky to me. So as I started reading this book, I realized it wasn't going to be easy. My first thought was to hide the book because I didn't want Josh to know I am reading this and actually expect me to change. So I did, ha ha....I sorta hid it from him and every night he was at work I would open it up and read it and usually end up putting it down after one chapter exhausted and overwhelmed. The principle of this book is to put your husband's needs and wants before yours, serve him, love him unconditionally and no matter what don't lose your temper or mistreat him even if he deserves it because this is what God has called wives to be. In doing this, Josh will become the best version of himself because he loves God and has a faithful loving wife to support him and never tear him down no matter what. Behind every good man stands a great woman....right? This book has hundreds of scriptures backing up every single thought and piece of advice. I have a respectful fear for my Lord and Savior and if He commands me to do something, I dare not set it aside. So here it is, the Lord has been speaking to me and revealing my erroneous ways and providing me with the answer to escape this "rut" we are in and it has been heavy on my heart because I just don't want to. Change hurts. So finally tonight, I caved. I started crying because it was just too heavy on my heart, I couldn't push God away any longer. I called Josh and told him I needed him to pray for me and I ended up spilling the beans. It was a relief, I feel accountable now. But tonight I felt like I was battling my own flesh. I don't want to be molded into this but my heart and soul was fighting with my flesh and it was sooooooo hard for me to succumb. But Satan lost, and I feel victorious. But I need prayer like no other. I know Satan will be working extremely hard on me because he doesn't want me to be the wife God wants me to be because then that means Josh becomes the man of God that Satan definitely doesn't want. You see, my husband is a great man. He has a ton of potential for God...I believe that 100% and if Satan can keep us bickering he can keep Josh from assuming this role. I have the power to make or break this man, and I choose to support him and help him grow into whatever God wants him to be. I adore him and the person he is and has potential to be and I have always known God has something great in store for him and I know it's time I stop hindering and start helping.

So here it goes, please pray for me. I always have wanted to be a Proverbs 31 woman but never thought I would actually have to try this hard. Growing and change hurts, but I know it is a good change and I will be better for it and so will my husband and children. I highly suggest this book for any other wives out there who are looking for answers. It's definitely not something easy to read, but it is so rich in truth. Anyone else wanna join me in this journey....I need an accountability partner?

Motherhood - Dealing With a Media's Myth

Ahhh, sweet motherhood.....such a beautiful and perfect gift. You awake to the sight of a sweet baby grinning and cooing at you after a night of perfect sleep because your 3 month old now sleeps through the night. You get up feeling awesomely refreshed, cook your husband breakfast and send him out the door to work after you give him a goodbye kiss with a happy, clean smiling baby on your hip. Then you play all day with your sweet little one, occasionally change a diaper and give them a bottle, you know all that fun stuff. Then your husband returns home after work and you have a hot dinner on the table and you are all dressed up for him like June Cleaver. He adoringly plays with the innocent babe you two created together then the baby goes to bed and you two enjoy one another's company from 7-10pm. The perfect life!!!!

Not! I hate to burst your bubble - but it has to be done. The media has young women totally buying into this lie and I was one of them. I have always been one to buy into a fairytale though, but anyways....I know several women see it this way. I wish I had someone to prepare me on what to really expect. All you hear during the pregnancy is how wonderful it will be etc, etc etc.   Don't get me wrong....motherhood is beautiful, awesome, and a gift from God but be prepared for all the other things that accompany the blessing as well so it's not a total shock. 

I was beyond excited when I found out I was expecting. I thought to myself, "This is it Heather, your life will be perfect now!" That feeling stuck for about 2 weeks until the morning sickness hit at 6 weeks. Oh and guess what, all morning sickness isn't in the morning and it doesn't all go away at 12 weeks either. I am a worry wort as well, so here I am panicking until I reach the "safe-zone" at 12 weeks. I make it to 11 weeks, we go in for an ultrasound and the Dr. tells us the baby looks perfect, praise the Lord! He thinks it will be just fine and we have nothing to worry about. The Sunday after that appointment, my mom takes me out to dinner at Western Sizzlin after church and while eating a severe pain takes over my abdomen. She notices and tells me she hopes I am not having a miscarriage, I assure her it's not one because the Dr told us the baby was perfect just a few days before. She takes me back to Green Forest where Josh is working at the EMS station. I go in and sit down to spend the afternoon with him like I usually do, I mention the pain but we both decide it's probably normal tummy troubles and go along with our day. Within just a few minutes, Josh gets toned out for a medical call. I head out to the car and my brother, Matt, calls me. As I am on the phone, I feel blood start to gush out of me. With every beat of my heart, a squirt of blood shoots out. I quickly end the conversation with my brother telling him that I am bleeding (poor Matt, I am sure that freaked him out) then I called Josh. I explain to him I am bleeding heavily and he told me he was with a patient and to go to the ER and that if I felt faint to pull over and call 911. I sped all the way to ER bawling and crying out to God, I was pleading with him to save my baby. I walk in the ER and beat on the admissions window, the lady behind the glass starts to give me an ugly look for beating on the glass until she notices the blood running down my leg and she immediately gets me back into a room.  I get an ultrasound done and I am terrified of what I will see on that monitor but to my surprise there is a bouncing baby in there wiggling around and it looked like it was waving at me. I go back in the ER to find Josh waiting for me, he grabs my hand and we wait for the Dr. He comes in and explains I will most likely miscarriage soon and that this is the early signs. Josh and I are both visibly upset, family and his EMS partners are in there apologizing. We go home and try accept it. The next day I make an appointment to see my OB Dr. He takes me back for an ultrasound and we are expecting him to say the same but to our surprise he says our baby is fine. He explained that I had a sub-chorionic hemorrhage which is a bleed in between the uterus and the amniotic sac. They are not that dangerous unless the bleed becomes large and then it can separate the placenta from the wall of the uterus, which would kill my growing baby. So he tells us that my bleed isn't a small one and that it will either get worse or resolve on it's own by 20 weeks. So here we are, relieved but yet we have a whole new mountain of worry and challenges ahead. So we were scared, very scared when we left that office and not sure if the baby growing in me would survive. I bled off and on for weeks and we would panic a little every time, praise the Lord none of the bleeds were as bad as the first though. Finally, around 18-19 weeks we get the all clear and er have found out that we have a little boy on the way. One the best feelings ever!! So we finally started planning a room for him, now that we knew he would most likely be sticking around. Time went by and sure enough, delivery time came knocking on our doorstep. I get an induction scheduled for February 20th, 2012. We are beyond excited and ready to meet our little Sawyer. We get there that morning around 8am and everything goes perfectly. They break my water around 1, I get an epidural around 2 something, I visit and smile nearly the entire time. 10 o' clock comes and it's time to push. So I started pushing and it was lasting forever. Almost an hour and a half later he still wasn't here and then suddenly my Dr hits a panic button, they start yelling at me to push hard because Sawyer was stuck. I start freaking out because I am obviously doing everything I can. Finally a nurse jumps up on the bed and pushes on my belly and the Dr is vacuuming him out at the same time. He finally comes out and he was pale and limp. He was alive, but he wasn't acting quite like a healthy newborn should so instead of getting my first moments with baby he is rushed away and the nurses start examining him. 45 minutes later they hand me my 8lb 13oz Sawyer and I must admit I was shocked when I seen him. He looked miserable. He was a solid bruise from the nipple line up and it was obvious he didn't feel good. He moaned and whined the whole time I held him. Thankfully, he improved every hour...and by 3 days old he looked perfect and quite adorable!! We take him home after 3.5 days in the hospital in time to receive a phone call later that afternoon that he has jaundice from the terrible bruising and he needs photo light therapy to help him because his bilirubin levels were getting dangerously high. So we end up getting our little pumpkin hooked up to the wall 24/7 with this light on him....that makes having a newborn 10xs harder and diaper changes take 10x longer. Fast forward a week, he gets past the jaundice and then the screaming starts. Every.waking.hour. That swore this already frazzled me down fast. So we take him to the Dr and she more or less tells us that's normal and we are just naive. 2 months later we finally switch Dr's and find out he has severe acid reflux! He was put on meds and ever since he has been much more agreeable. A few months ago, we finally got him off of the acid medicine which is a huge answered prayer.

Anyways, so I literally spent every minute of my pregnancy and his first six months of life stressed to some degree or another. Not what the media had planted in my head at all and because of this I was depressed, I felt like I was a terrible mother and doing something wrong because my experience didn't mirror a fairy tales. Sound familiar? I'll admit, I think my pregnancy and delivery was rough...was it any reason to waste the first 6 months of my child's life being depressed....NO. It deeply saddens me when I think about all the precious time I wasted with Sawyer because I was too busy not trusting God and leaving it in his hands. Why did I experience this? Because I bought into Hollywood's "idea" of motherhood. Don't make the same mistake, realize that motherhood will be challenging, scary and just downright ugly at times....but also realize that this little person is just little once. And they don't stay little long at all!! By the way, one thing Hollywood won't prepare you for is the feeling you feel when your baby smiles at you for the first time and tears stream down your face because you realize at that very moment that you are holding the most precious miracle ever that adores you to pieces. And it won't prepare you for the way you catch your breath the first time you hear them say mama or they kiss you and reach their little arms around your neck and squeeze you as hard they can before you lay them in their crib at night. The list goes on and on. I can remember having a terrible day once, Satan was attacking me with everything he had and I was just bawling and down in a low valley. Sawyer was about 6 or 7 months old and he turned and stared into my eyes and laid his chubby little hand on my mouth and laid his head on my chest. I swear I seen God in his eyes, soothing me. I honestly don't know how I ever mattered before him. Being a momma makes my life so important and I cherish that and I get teary eyed every time I think about how close he came to never making it here.  So don't get down momma's....don't compare yourself to Hollywood, or social media, or any other altered view of the journey. You will be so disappointed because it is so much more than that. Way more difficult but 100000x better than you could ever imagine. It's something that will never be sufficiently portrayed. Real life is so much better, always.  I go to bed now every night with a grateful heart, I rock Sawyer a lot and love it, I miss him while he is sleeping, and we play all the time. There will be no more regrets here, I am taking all these precious moments in. Don't let Satan steal your joy!!