Becoming Who My Father Designed Me To Be

I literally just got done having a "Come to Jesus moment" with myself. I bet you are wondering how that went down...well it wasn't pretty.

For the past 9 or more months we have been attending a couples class at church. I love it and I always look forward to the next one. I really soak in all we learn and go home on Sunday night feeling empowered and renewed in the spiritual aspect of our marriage and my role as a Godly wife. Then it hits us, something stupid happens....so stupid I often forget why we even started bickering and then I get my feelings hurt. By the way, not very many people can hurt my feeling....but the more I love ya, the better shot you have at it.  This is where the big problem comes in, when I get my feelings hurt and I feel unloved or underappreciated I turn into the ugly version of myself. Instead of handling it with grace and meekness I tear Josh down with even more hurtful words or actions. My thought is, you hurt me and I hurt you worse. Unfortunately my husband is good at playing this game so an argument of something extremely petty turns into a pretty nasty competition of who can hurt each other the most. It doesn't sound that bad except for over time this game has calloused our hearts to some degree. We just don't care anymore and the words we have said have damaged our marriage. We look back and wonder where that sweet, loving couple went to. Pretty depressing. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband so so very much and I don't know how I would function without him but we have got to get back on track ASAP because I don't want to let this evil game go on anymore. 

For months every time we would attend a couples class session I would leave thinking he would have gotten something out of it and he would put our newly found skills into action....and he did and I did temporarily until things got hard again. I was talking to my sweet friend and sister in Christ about my dilemma and she recommended I read this book entitled, "Created To Be His Helpmeet." By Debi Pearl and I must say this book has convicted me strongly. It breaks me down into tears every time I crack it open because I feel God's word seeping into my soul and laying a burden on me to straighten up and accept my Godly role as Josh's wife. This book explains that my role as a wife (every woman's role) is to submit and be a meek spirit amond a ton of other things. This is not me at all!!! I am not quiet or meek or submissive ahhhhh!!! I am going to have to re arrange everything I have ever thought or felt to fit this role and that thought hurts. I want to be me, but I am going to have to figure out how to be me but in a more refined way...it seems tricky to me. So as I started reading this book, I realized it wasn't going to be easy. My first thought was to hide the book because I didn't want Josh to know I am reading this and actually expect me to change. So I did, ha ha....I sorta hid it from him and every night he was at work I would open it up and read it and usually end up putting it down after one chapter exhausted and overwhelmed. The principle of this book is to put your husband's needs and wants before yours, serve him, love him unconditionally and no matter what don't lose your temper or mistreat him even if he deserves it because this is what God has called wives to be. In doing this, Josh will become the best version of himself because he loves God and has a faithful loving wife to support him and never tear him down no matter what. Behind every good man stands a great woman....right? This book has hundreds of scriptures backing up every single thought and piece of advice. I have a respectful fear for my Lord and Savior and if He commands me to do something, I dare not set it aside. So here it is, the Lord has been speaking to me and revealing my erroneous ways and providing me with the answer to escape this "rut" we are in and it has been heavy on my heart because I just don't want to. Change hurts. So finally tonight, I caved. I started crying because it was just too heavy on my heart, I couldn't push God away any longer. I called Josh and told him I needed him to pray for me and I ended up spilling the beans. It was a relief, I feel accountable now. But tonight I felt like I was battling my own flesh. I don't want to be molded into this but my heart and soul was fighting with my flesh and it was sooooooo hard for me to succumb. But Satan lost, and I feel victorious. But I need prayer like no other. I know Satan will be working extremely hard on me because he doesn't want me to be the wife God wants me to be because then that means Josh becomes the man of God that Satan definitely doesn't want. You see, my husband is a great man. He has a ton of potential for God...I believe that 100% and if Satan can keep us bickering he can keep Josh from assuming this role. I have the power to make or break this man, and I choose to support him and help him grow into whatever God wants him to be. I adore him and the person he is and has potential to be and I have always known God has something great in store for him and I know it's time I stop hindering and start helping.

So here it goes, please pray for me. I always have wanted to be a Proverbs 31 woman but never thought I would actually have to try this hard. Growing and change hurts, but I know it is a good change and I will be better for it and so will my husband and children. I highly suggest this book for any other wives out there who are looking for answers. It's definitely not something easy to read, but it is so rich in truth. Anyone else wanna join me in this journey....I need an accountability partner?